Watching the Stars
by Crookykanks
Summary: After seeing Lily kiss James for the first time, Severus contemplates the meaning of his own life. T for attempted suicide and mild language.


Severus sighed. He could hear her footsteps behind him; the sharp click-click of her heels echoing in the stone tower. She was moving slowly, checking every corner for miscreants like himself he supposed. He had five, maybe seven minutes before she reached him. Plenty of time to do the deed if he wanted to. It would take only a few seconds after all…

He did not turn away from the sky to look back at the doorway. There didn't seem to be a need and the stars were so calming tonight in their apathetic distance. It hardly mattered to them that the world had crashed down around him tonight, that he no longer wished to enjoy their beauty. There were other worlds and other people to sparkle for. How many times had he watched them with Lily content at his side? Lying in the grass next to her enjoying the stars' reflections in her eyes more than the stars themselves, watching the sky not so much as the waves in her hair. But not now. Never again, probably.

Severus now turned his head to look at the ground, some one hundred feet below. It seemed both an infinite distance, and not very far at all. He had already fallen about as far as he could. Friendless fiend. Insignificant whelp. Even the Slytherins laughed when those idiots played their little "jokes" on him now. Not that they mattered. But he had seen laughter in her eyes, too, that day. Lily had fought humor, pride and her own friends to help him, and how had he repaid her? He sighed again. Perhaps he deserved this from her.

Severus stared hard at the ground. It couldn't hurt, at least not for any length of time. He'd probably be unconscious before he ever hit the earth, and his scrawny body wouldn't do much damage to the grounds. He suddenly realized that for the first time he wasn't queasy at this height…

"Mister Snape?"

He winced. He had lost track of the time. He still had enough time to jump if he wanted to. She couldn't catch him from the doorway.

"Half the staff's looking for you right now, lad. You had us all scared to death."

Scared for their reputations, no doubt. It wouldn't do to have a dead student at Hogwarts. And only half the faculty cared enough to even look for him. Well, Slughorn was having his Christmas party tonight. They couldn't miss that.

"Come on then, Severus. You'll catch your death of cold out here. Let's get you someplace warm."

She moved toward him her heels giving her away. Severus tensed, ready to jump. Apparently she noticed.

"Severus? Come now, lad, you don't wish to do that."

"How would you know?" Severus was surprised to hear his voice crack.

"Well, it's a rather permanent solution to a problem that may yet go away, I should think."

She was moving toward him again. Slower this time, quieter. Panic began to run through Severus's mind. What if she pulled him away? What if she pushed him over accidentally? Purposefully? He made no secret of loathing her class, and she made no secret of her hatred of all things Slytherin…What if she made him tell the staff where she found him? Or, worse yet, if she gossiped about his situation with the rest of the staff. Or told the other students? What would Lily think of him then?

Lily's face flooded his mind mind, laughing, jeering at him, yelling at him, shaking her head, crying, kissing Potter under the mistletoe….and Malfoy's and Black's faces joined them, shouting, cheering them on, sneering down at him, Dumbledore clapped happily in the background, Slughorn was toasting them all, egging them on, McGonagall –

Her hand grabbed his shoulder as he leaned forward, wrenching him backwards. He stumbled away from the ledge and fell onto the floor. For a moment, Severus felt winded, beaten. He wondered if he had actually gone over the edge, fallen to his death. Then, Professor McGonagall's face entered his vision for the first time. She was kneeling in front of him, blocking his view of the railing.

"Sorry, lad, but you looked like you were going to go over for a moment there. I'd rather you fall on your ass than to your death."

Severus turned away from her and said nothing. She had ruined everything. He may not have even jumped, but even then, only he would have known of his failing. She was going to tell the whole school how the little Slytherin didn't have the courage to commit suicide. Lily would cry, Potter and Black would jeer, the Gryffindor table was chanting 'Snivellous is a coward! Snivellous is a coward!'

He was being pulled up to his feet and led quietly back to the tower. He felt the warmth of the Castle even before they reached it. It washed over and through his shivering body like a drug. He could hear McGonagall muttering next to him, but didn't bother making out what she was saying. Something about being glad he was found in time, he supposed. Well, he wasn't glad. He wanted to kick her, to break away and throw himself over the edge before he could stop himself again. He gave a testing tug, and her grip tensed painfully, telling him that she wouldn't be letting go under any circumstances. She marched him through the halls like that, holding his arm uncomfortably tight and muttering to herself.

"…don't know what could be so troubling…third student this week, although closer to the edge than the others…never would have thought it of you…damn party of Horace's…hope it's empty…"

They jerked to a stop in front of two gargoyles who opened more to McGonagall's glare than the unintelligible password she shouted at them. One of them whispered, "Sorry, mate" to Severus as he passed. The staff room was empty, though Severus half suspected that it wouldn't be for long. Maybe she had already summoned the other teachers to come have a laugh at them and all they had to do was wait here until they arrived. She pushed him gently onto the couch, lit the fire and walked over to the wardrobe. Severus watched her retrieve a blanket and reach inside her robes, find something and bury it inside the blanket. She then wrapped it around his shoulders and sat down on the couch with him.

"Would you like some tea, water, pumpkin juice? A biscuit perhaps?" Severus shook his head slowly after each item. What was she up to? Couldn't she just get whatever it was over with and let him go on his merry way? He'd swear not to go back to the tower again if that's what it took. After all, there were other ways…

"I just can't figure out why you of all people were leaning over the edge of the astronomy tower." She was looking at the fire, not at him. What was she getting at? Severus squirmed uncomfortably. "Of course you aren't the merriest lad in your year, but I've never thought of you as suicidal. And nothing lately in your grades or public standing to throw you over the edge. What was it that made you go there tonight, Severus?"

There it was. A direct question, her reason for keeping him here. Well, if she thought she would worm out that information she had another thing coming to her. He snorted at the fireplace in response.

"I see."

She grimaced and Severus smirked a little. He hadn't thought she would give up so easily, but all the better if she wasn't going to put up a fight.

"Nothing I could help you with, then?"

For a moment, Severus was startled, but only for a moment. It was an interesting tactic, one that probably worked on emotional Gryffindors, but not on him. As if he would ever accept her help anyway. As if he could…

"Are you sure you wouldn't like anything to eat or drink? You were probably out there for hours and that wind is biting."

"I won't take your veritaserum, Professor," he snapped. As if he hadn't seen what she was doing.

Professor McGonagall laughed.

"Dear lad, you think I could brew veritaserum? I can hardly cope with a simple sleeping draught! And Professor Slughorn has been much too busy with his festivities…" She trailed off in a kind of hiss, and glared at the fire for a few seconds before regaining her composure.

They sat in an awkward silence. Severus began to realize how chilled his body had been. He hadn't even realized that his fingers were numb until the feeling began to return in little pinpricks across his knuckles. The offer of tea did sound good… He shifted his position to rid himself of that train of thought and felt something hard near his right hand. He shot a furtive look at McGonagall, who was staring at the fireplace again, then quickly dug through the layers of woolen blanket to find whatever it was that was poking his hand. He only had to shift a few folds before he found it, a silver dagger with a bronze handle, tiny and ornate. The blade was jagged and sharp, but small enough to be tucked into his trouser pockets or perhaps his robe. He looked at McGonagall again and saw her eyes flit back over to the fire as he turned. So this was her game. Give him the means to complete his original mission and see if he had the courage to do it. Well, he'd show her! Of course he had the courage! Severus Snape was no coward! He grabbed the dagger and felt McGonagall tense beside him, but she did not move. He smirked and thought of his blood staining her robes, her skin, her reputation, all of her little Gryffindors. If this dagger was hers then it would look like she had dragged him down here and murdered him! Lily would be so disgraced that she'd leave all Gryffindors forever, and he'd be a martyr to all Slytherins, killed by a Gryffindor's sword! His grip tightened and, without another thought, he closed his eyes, twisted his arm and thrust the blade into his chest.

Severus had always thought that death would be painless, but he hadn't expected it to be so quick. Especially death by a single stab. She must have poisoned the blade to kill him faster. He was completely numb, his sight gone and his hearing dulled. Maybe he was a ghost already. Maybe he could always be with Lily like this. He'd have to get over his fear of heights, but since he couldn't technically fall that wouldn't be hard--

"Well, I must admit I wasn't expecting that."

Professor McGonagall's voice rang loud and clear in his ears. It didn't make any sense. He was dead. Why could he hear her so clearly?

"Come on. Sit up and open your eyes, Severus. And I'll thank you to give me that dagger back."

Tentatively, Severus cracked open one eye and looked around. McGonagall was still sitting next to him on the couch, looking quite calm.

"I'm dead, Professor!" He shouted desperately, "You can't tell me what to do!"

"I think you'll find yourself alive yet, Severus, and still my student, at that."

Slowly, Severus sat up on the couch and looked at the dagger still clutched to his chest. It was in to the hilt, but he couldn't feel it. There was no blood, no torn skin, no evidence that the blade had done any damage at all. He pulled it out and it was clean. He stared at the tiny sword a minute longer, then handed it over to her.

"A rather special family heirloom. It may cut any material but human skin, and thus serves all the practical purposes of a dagger except that of a weapon."

"What other practical purposes does a dagger have?"

She smiled and tucked it into an inner pocket of her robes.

"Scare tactics, Mister Snape. If one sees a dagger such as this cut through an iron cauldron and then point them in the face, one is typically, may I be frank, scared shitless. However, should said dagger be taken by an enemy, the owner knows that he is in no real danger and may fight without fear of injury."

Snape nodded slowly, seeing some rather Slytherin logic in this.

"So, you knew I couldn't hurt myself with it."

"A perfectly safe test to see if one is capable of committing violence or, in this case, suicide. A test I'm afraid you passed a bit too well."

Severus nodded again, his head moving up and down without any real thought.

"You - you won't tell anyone, will you?" His voice cracked again and he fought down a blush.

"Tell someone? Of course I will!" She nearly screamed. "I shall be informing Madame Pompfrey tonight that there is a suicide risk within the castle and to have everything at the ready for a forty-eight hour emergency period. I shall also tell Headmaster Dumbledore to keep his _unbiased_ eye on some of my students this holiday since they have chosen to remain at the school. And I will ask Professor Slughorn to take special care of his students this holiday, not forgetting a single one. Of course, I ask for the last two every year and rarely get either of them."

Severus stared at his feet. So, at the least, the headmaster, two heads of house and the school nurse would know. Probably the whole school would be laughing at him by lunch tomorrow…

"Or"

Severus looked up at her hopefully, trying to keep his terror from showing on his face.

"Or, we could set up a small camp for you in some unused room near my office. I would still put Madame Pompfrey on the alert, but I wouldn't need to give her a name. Professors Dumbeldore and Slughorn would not think anything was unusual should I make my requests to them twice this year. I think we could keep this a secret."

Severus looked back down at the floor and nodded. It wasn't his first choice, but it was the best option available.

"Alright. We'll send an elf to get your things later. For now, let's get you in a bed away from sharp objects, windows, potion ingredients and anything else you might injure yourself with."

She stood up quickly, and helped Severus to his feet. He hadn't realized how tired he was, and standing made exhaustion rush through him like a wave. He half suspected she had put a mild sleeping charm on him.

"I hope one day you'll change your mind about telling me what drove you to suicide tonight," McGonagall whispered.

Severus nodded numbly and allowed himself to be led out the door and back into the empty hall.


End file.
